Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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