so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
