On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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