im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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