You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
