So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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