When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
