Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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