So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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