Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
