I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
