Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
