UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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