I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
