I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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