My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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