I heard we made out
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
It's shark week go big or go home
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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