I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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