I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
