So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
