They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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