My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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