ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
