You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
