i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You may now shotgun with the bride
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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