Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
