Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
