I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize