was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
