it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
