Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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