my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
