Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It's blow job season.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
