I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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