hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
we're so committed to being not committed
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
