dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
