Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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