There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
