I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
