You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
