I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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