I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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