hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
