dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
