Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
