Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No I am not eating basil off your cock
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
