if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
