physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
