I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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