are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
