A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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