Define "chronic" masturbator.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize