Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
