I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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