I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
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