So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
