When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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