Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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