i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
