I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
