oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize