So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
