i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
