Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
