she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
