I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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