Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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