I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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