I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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