I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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